17 things only South Aucklanders will understand
1. You feel smug when you go into central Auckland because you know that your tractor is better than theirs.
2. Heading to Spookers is a bit like a high school reunion: the frightening clown was in your tutor class, and the two of you once had a fight.
3. You are 99% certain that the people in Conifer Grove are in a clan just like the one in that frightening village from Hot Fuzz.
4. You run into an All Black at Countdown and you nod at them instead of asking for a selfie, because you just want to let Keven Mealamu buy his groceries in peace!
5. While driving at night, you wonder why the roads are so empty. Then you realise that all the cars are stuck in line at the KFC drive-through.
6. That awful KFC drive-through.
7. You turn 18 and immediately head into town, followed by massive regret because the taxi fare home is more than you earn in a week at your part-time job.
8. You plunge into antipathy when you tell a person from Howick that you are from South Auckland, and he answers that he is too.
9. Awful nights on the town all end with 3am ball striking on the driving range at JK’s World of Golf.
10. You know the South-Side ‘S’ and you get it right first time.
11. You never take your eyes off the road on the Southern Motorway as you know the layout changes daily.
12. You know you’re screwed if you can’t go to The Speight, because when someone says “Pride of the South”, they actually mean South Auckland. #TheMoreYouKnow
13. At least one student in every high school has a tattoo of: 1) the school crest 2) their post code or 3) the area code for their landline, and a clever few sport some combination of the three.
14. You’re disappointed if there’s no Calf Club at your high school.
15. You get stuck in traffic while driving your Toyota Hilux to buy a 6-scooper Pokeno ice cream, because some crook has taken his Massey Ferguson tractor with a massive topper for a cruise.
16. You’ve missed out on fried bread at the Otara markets because you were stuck at the railway crossing for so long waiting for a freight train to pass.
17. Your primary school relationships were made official by going on a date to Rainbow’s End on the weekend, and on Monday flashing a photo keychain of you and your paramour kissing on a long run.